Lost in Abstract

Have you ever found yourself staring at a crowd, at people moving busily on the roads, realizing that even when you are a part of the crowd, you are lost and feel lonely? It has happened to me at several occasions categorically in 2 phases of my life. It felt exactly as how some movie scenes have captured it, a single soul, lost in city lights wondering why are so many people everywhere and why is everybody rushing, also where are the rushing.

The first few times it happened it was when I was in City of Dreams – Mumbai. That made me realize that no matter how much I had moved ahead in life, I was still a  like a tiny speck in the entire game of universe. That though then gave me modesty and humility. Once I left Mumbai and came to this God Forsaken place, I had almost forgotten that something like this ever happened to me. Off late I have found myself in a similar situation again, staring into the abstract, wondering.  But this time when I was lost in thoughts I realized how the thought process has changed. I found myself depressed, re-valuating my decisions, regretting a few of them and wondering what my life could have been if I DID NOT take those decisions.

 I had a few dreams just like any other human being. When I was getting married I knew I had to forego a few of them, compromise on a few of them, but I knew I would be fulfilling my other dreams of being with my loved one and having a super happy married life.  So it seemed like a good trade-off at that point of time. Now when I do some post purchase rationalization I realize that I have given up and compromised on far more dreams that I had envisioned earlier.  To make things worse I have also lost out on the happiness I had thought I would be blessed with post marriage.

So today noon as stared into the rains I realized how dissatisfied I am with my life.

There is so much on my mind now but I am too lost in thoughts to actually jot it down. May be I will write sometime soon about why exactly I am dissatisfied and what is that is missing from this life of mine. Till them I want some ME time…