It took me another
year or so to return to the blog and today when am writing it’s all about how
love hurts in ways which one cannot think of while blindly basking in the glory
of Love. LOVE IS A FALLACY and yes I believe in it now more than ever. No
matter how much two people claim to be in love and that kind of shit it, always
comes down to being hurt. Well that Is my experience.
It all started when I,
like any other gal blind in love started believing in miracles more than ever
when her and her guy’s parents agreed to their marriage. So, I got all excited,
had a date on my hands and just like that I QUIT my job... I was a small town
gal who had big dreams, took a loan for studying, got herself a job, moved to the city of dreams, strived
for performance, proved herself on various fronts, was independent, had an
identity of her own , was a gal who people recognized for various skills for
being what she knew, for how she could interpret things, hw she could read into
stuff and soo much more…and then one day just like that I decided to give it
all up for that one word – LOVE. LOVE coz I thought of it to be this beautiful
world. I knew there would be adjustments but the only adjustments that my
romance dipped mind could think of were quitting work at corporate office and
start working at a small branch.. of learning to wear a duppatta with my
stylish mélange, biba and W kurtis, of wearing kurtis and churidars day in and
out and keeping my jeans in cupboard & taking them out only for the holiday
trips I would have with my Loving would be husband, or of touching feet
frequently, of wearing saris to all functions and weddings. That’s it..Yes
that’s what I thought it to be.
I agree I was too much
of a romantic and a believer of love and all that crap to phantom anything
else. But then who would have thought that my married life would prove to b a
life full of depression and pain, of taunts, of unrealistic expectations, of
tears and unspoken words, of feeling suppressed forever, of lies, of being
treated like a doormat, of having to justify my worth, of having to live through
the orthodox beliefs and of much more. No I did not for a second think this
would happen to me. May b he did know about it but then he never told me any of
this, which gives me a reason to believe that even he did not know this side of
his parents.
And for some reason
all this has changed me a lot as a person, changed in ways my in-laws wanted me
to change and also in ways they don’t even know I have changed. I have become so
much negative. I have stopped doing things I loved doing. What better an
example than my blog which I have returned to only twice in 2 years of marriage,
today being the 2nd time, and both times to vent out all the anger
and depression.
Coming back to fallacy
of Love, I haven’t got much support from my darling Husband, sometimes I feel
may b he doesn’t understand, or may be plainly just doesn’t care. May be doesn’t
bother now coz no matter what his parents do to me, no matter how much I cry or
laugh, no matter what state of mind I am in, his life doesn’t change much. He will
still have the career he had, he will still be treated in the same way by his parents,
he will still have friends to share his joys and hang out with. In short, his
life just doesn’t change other than the fact that now he can have all the sex
he wants.
Marriage , which was
supposed to be a means of bringing two ppl together to spend their lives
together has reduced me to a food cooking, child bearing machine and the fact
that I am not even bearing any kids has made it all the more difficult for In-laws
to accept me , their DIL with all their heart. Did I tell you that it’s an inter-caste
love marriage? At the end time has proved to me that though there is ths thing
that you feel when you are in the arms of the one you love, though there is
this satisfying feeling when you see the man of your dreams, love still is a
fallacy. Why? How else can you explain unreasonable hurting or the reluctance
to listen to your wife’s unending pain or even a reluctance to do anything
about it. How else can you explain when he acts deaf and dumb to what his beloved
parents do to me, how they have not accepted me till date and how getting into
this marriage was not just my decision. Love shudnt make somebody loose her
identity while others take turns in hurting her and smiling to their ownselves each
time they taunt me on my clothes, on how I walk, or how my hair is unmanageable
or how dark I look or how I am uncultured or how I come frm a family which is
not as affluent as theirs. BULLSHIT my family may not b as affluent as yours
but they are happy and they are kind of people who make others happy, who care,
who smile, who hug, who know life is too short to keep grudges and hence accept
people not for their clothes or their money but for who thy are.
I can keep writing,
may not even sound coherent, the only relief being that this is one place where
I can vent it all out without being termed as – jada bolti hai or being judged
for opening my mouth in front of some MCP.
Hoping to change my
life and reclaim it , May be running away from this madness…but doing something
to reclaim it… ya escapism that might be termed but then again who gives a fuck
now..Not me at least…
